walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
