I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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