i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
