you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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