remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
