I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
