My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
