dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
