I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
