Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
