Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
