dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
