I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
