Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
