I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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