I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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