Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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