Your favorite bartender is back from prision
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
