forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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