the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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