How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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