I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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