come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
