From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There's always time for handjobs
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
