In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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