FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
