My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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