I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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