I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
