Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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