wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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