I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
