last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
