Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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