I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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