i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
