My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
