i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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