Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
