How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
