she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
