The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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