you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
