I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
