i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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