i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
