Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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