Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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