Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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