Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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